Taste Buds Are a Changin'

Sorry it's been so long since my last blog. I've been trying to think of new topics. If you have any questions for me or ideas for me...please email me kehill24@gmail.com

Have you ever craved something, I mean thought about what it tastes like in your mouth, what you feel like after you eat it, how good it tastes? Well, that used to happen to me all the time. This used to make me run out and go get it and it would taste just like I had imagined. This is no longer the case...now when I crave something it is a little different, both the anticipation and the actual taste. I no longer have random cravings. My cravings if any are usually a result of something I see on TV or something that someone is eating in the lunchroom that makes me remember what I used to like. When I do try to satisfy the cravings, it no longer tastes as good as it did before the surgery. As Mike would say, "That's a good thing." I know it's a good thing but it's kind of weird because I want to sit and "chow down" on some pieces of chicken or macaroni and cheese but I can't physically (I'm working on the psychological part of fixing this issue).  I really have to turn to something other than food for satisfaction because it is not the same.

1 Month post-surgery

A friend asked me "What do you do when you are stressed?" What I used to do was drive to the nearest fast food restaurant with the highest fat content food and eat until I was no longer stressed. Now, I start cleaning my house and working on household chores. My housekeeper needs to give me a discount because the house is much cleaner post surgery. I'm still working on exercise as a stress reliever but it's still a PIA to get on that elliptical. I did get on it once last week which was much easier than it was before (30 pounds less), the 30 minutes went by so fast. As someone once told me,"the hardest part is tying your shoe laces." So true!

Taking the Easy Way Out

I had originally started thinking about getting bariatric surgery in 2001. I went to see a doctor, did the psych evaluation, sleep study and everything else required for gastric-bypass surgery. At the time my insurance did not approve me for the procedure so I kind of forgot about the idea until this year. I figured that maybe because I was not "big enough" or "unhealthy enough" for the surgery and that maybe I was "taking the easy way out." Since 2001 before I let everyone know that I was contemplating surgery, I had heard a family member mention that the surgery is an easy way out. A friend of mine who had bariatric surgery herself mentioned that she had thought that she had taken "the easy way out." Well, let me just tell everyone, especially anyone who is contemplating having surgery or who has had surgery that this surgery is in no way an easy way out, just ask my family, friends, and even my co-workers. I was on a liquid diet for 4 weeks straight (2 weeks before surgery and 2 weeks after)-it was the hardest month of my life. Everything that I had learned about eating had to be thrown out of the window and a new way of eating had to be learned. I have to eat much slower than I have ever eaten-eating too fast has caused me to be sick on a couple of occasions. Obviously I have to eat less-learning to eat less has also caused me to be sick more than once.
Not only has the surgery affected my eating but also my way of life. This past weekend was jam-packed with activities during the day and partying at night. This took a huge toll on my quality of life this week. I did too much too fast!! Yesterday, I reverted back to a self-imposed liquid diet to help my body get back to a normal state. Mike has once again stepped up to take care of Finn while I went to bed early (7pm) yesterday and will probably go to bed early again tonight.
This new life is a better life in terms of my health but is in now way an easier way of life.

Shopping is the New Food

It's amazing how much effort I had to put into everything that I did when I was 20 pounds heavier or 50 pounds lighter (still overweight). Being overweight is exhausting mentally and physically.

Mentally-When I would get a compliment on my clothing..I would hope that none of my skinny friends or family would ask where I got my outfit. Because I have been in denial I would not want to say one of the plus size clothing stores. When I was in high school and having to get my pants at Lane Bryant...I was mortified to pass a shop where I knew someone was working so as not to let them see the name on the bag that I was carrying. My mom would let me put my bags inside her bags so that no one would know where I had been. I would lie to some of my closest friends about where I would get some of my clothes because I was embarrassed to tell them the truth. Eventually as I got older and made more money, I was able to shop at Macys, Dillards and Talbots all of which have all sizes so I could feel confident saying either one of those stores.

Physically-I never went shopping with my friends because they were all skinny. I have always shopped alone due to the stores they shopped at not having my size and vice versa. I was embarrassed to go into stores with them and not be able to shop for myself.  In retrospect, the isolation only fueled the eating and the denial.

I'm now starting a new outlook on shopping: "Shopping is the New Food"
I have started letting Mike shop with me. I go into the store, pick out what I like and model for him.
Just this weekend, I was so excited when I went shopping that I pulled the 2 sizes down from what I was wearing before surgery. The lowest size actually was a little big on me....this actually felt as good on my body and in my mind as the queso from Superior Grill tastes. I was ecstatic!! Being able to fit in the smaller jeans made all of the sacrifice worth it.

If you are wondering how I'm gonna afford all this new clothes....
When I was heavier, I would buy clothes and they would stay in my closet with the tags on. I had hundreds of  dollars of clothes in my closet that no one has ever seen--it was a waste. I was using the clothes to cover up my body and to keep myself in denial. No matter how expensive the clothes or how much clothes I had bought..nothing made me feel as good as I feel now. Now, I am slowly building a new wardrobe that fits my changing body.

Am I being selfish?

It has been 2 weeks since my surgery and I am feeling great. The small incisions are healing quickly so I will definetly be ready for bikini season next year (yeahh right!!)  I have gone down 2 dress sizes since I started this journey almost 2 months ago. The scale can be very discouraging....it shows that I lost 20 pounds so far but not an ounce more...ugh!!! I know I can't just focus on the scale but I can hear most of my trainers in my head.."the number on the scale has to go down." I think my body "retracts before impact" just like that song says so I'm not so patiently waiting for the impact to show on the scale.

I also have to start exercising...I'm dreading it. It's so hot outside and how am I gonna deal with the loss of sweat and not being able to guzzle water after I'm done? The guzzling part has been the worst to stop. I literally have to take smaller sips or take a sip and divide it up to swallow. I no longer drink from straws (feels so unlady-like; not to mention the burping like a man) to avoid trapping air in my stomach nor do I drink carbonated beverages to avoid the extra gas. The only thing that I have asked Mike not to bring in the house is carbonated beverages particularly fountain drinks. There's really nothing much better than a Coca-Cola from McDonald's or from a convenience store (better than alcohol).
As a working mom I have always combatted the guilt of feeling like I'm not spending enough time with Finn, not being at his beckon call, not able to bring him to every MD appointment, not able to stay home with him during the summer so that he can relax in his own home with his mom like I did and the list goes on and on. Now, as a working mom that is on a diet that needs to exercise after work I feel even guiltier....Am I being too selfish by getting a membership to Elmwood so that I can spin with one of my friends on Saturdays, Zumba during the week and other exercises? Part of me thinks that he won't notice too much if I'm gone for the hour but that hour with him is so precious and he is getting bigger by the second. I'm still dealing with this issue everyday and I will join Elmwood soon....maybe KidSport has a mommy's time off where he can play while I work out??? I have to check into that.

Commonality between Chaz Bono and Myself

I never pictured myself saying out loud (or writing in a blog) that I can I identify with Chaz Bono (Formerly Chastity Bono). For those of you that do not know Chaz Bono, he is a transgenedered person that is seeking and has sought Gender Reassignment Surgery. He has a show on Oprah's Network documenting the steps that he is taking in becoming a man. Poor Mike--I always have him watching shows that he would not have chosen on his own albeit, the longer we are together the more open-minded he has become. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am pretty open-minded (thanks to my mom and dad) and open to learning new things. Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll have always been interesting to me because I live my life conservatively but love to learn about the other aspects of life without actually having to experience them.I do not think that I know any transgendered people so I'm pretty intrigued. As I was watching his show, somehow I could identify with him on a few levels. Man--how rough it must have been to grow up with a beautiful mom, Cher. A mom that was never overweight, not bad on the eyes and was her own person. I have no idea what it is to be the daughter of a famous sex siren but I do know what it is to be a daughter of a beautiful woman that men always admire, who is intelligent, who goes for what she wants and who is not afraid to be herself. Somehow when we were together people always looked at her--she's so exotic and pretty. In my earlier years I would hear from other people..."You have such a pretty face (in my head: the rest of you sucks)." The absolute worst was when I was 23 (?) my mom went to a Dr. John concert at the House of Blues with my friends and I. We lost someone to the bathroom so my mom and I went to go get them. Everyone knows that I'm a sweater. To know me is to know that Kathy sweats! At the end of the concert...the lights came on (I always hate that part) I was drenched from the dancing and bodies that were standing less than an inch away on each side. There were 2 men about 70 years old standing by the bar. Anyone knows that you have to pass the bar to get to the bathroom so as we were passing them I heard, "The mother looks better than the daughter." OMG---horrible!!! What I should have said was I'm sorry, what does it matter to you-you can't even get it up (apologies to friends and family I may have offended-felt it was warranted). Mom said that she didn't hear it but I sure did.
I can not imagine being Chastity while going through her chubby stage or her awkward teenage years and having to be compared to Cher, what a tremendous stress. After having weight loss surgery I am starting to become the person on the outside that I have always thought that I could be-learning to love myself by not putting crap into my body. I'm feeling more comfortable with whom I am and who I am becoming. I totally understand Chaz' need to make his outside match his inside.
Thankfully-My mom is the reason for the self-confidence that I do have. She has always instilled in me that I can do what ever I put my mind to. She would say, "Kathy...no one is better than you!" Sometimes I find myself watching whatever TV show is on at the moment thinking...I can do that.."I can win Top Chef (anyone that knows me must be laughing out loud), I could be on Survivor, I could whip some serious butt on the Biggest Loser." She has made me the success that I am today. Thank you Mom for believing in me---no matter my weight.

A New Life Has Begun

Thank you to everyone that called, texted, emailed, facebook'd(?), and visited. I truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
I had my Surgery at 7:30am this past Monday morning. I pretty much slept all day on Monday despite the horrible nausea that I experienced for the first 24 hours. Side note: Whomever the drug company is for Zofran ODT (Orally Disintegrating Tablets) you seriously need to go to the local hospitals and push your drug!!! Zofran is an anti-nausea medication that is really effective. Nurses and some doctors looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked for Zofran in between the Phenergan drips. SO you know that nice pain pump button was not as great as they say it is because I was actually scared to push it (The pain medication is what caused the nausea). Not only was I in pain but I was nauseated as well. My new stomach did not appreciate all of the torment that I had put it through.  The doctor did not want to prescribe me the Zofran for some reason so my only other option was something not by mouth. This was really not even an option because who wants to do that. Everything went great as far as my surgery is concerned with no complications--thank you Healthcare peeps to those of you that paid attention to my medical history and took my blood sugar and blood pressure (I got a little nervous when one nurse didn't even know that I was diabetic).

My new life has begun. I've encountered some roadblocks that I did not think of before the surgery:
Pros: I'm never "hungry"-I actually have to remember to eat, I'm losing weight and am not trying (woo-hoo!!--going to buy a scale today), blood sugar range (102-130-calling endocrinologist on Monday), No "out of the blue cravings"
Cons: Wondering if friends and family will exclude me from outtings because they think I cannot go anymore, having to remember to eat (I have to make sure I eat/drink enough protein a day), watching TV with people on the TV eating pizza, nachos and yummy comfort foods.
I'm sure that the list will go on and on for pros and cons but I am wondering if the road blocks will stay under the same headings?
Anyway..just as anyone else has told me...despite all of the little hiccups along the way, I would encourage anyone who is looking for a life changing weight change to take the plunge.

Woman in The Mirror

I honestly can not remember the last time I looked in the mirror and said..."I look awesome!" In fact I have developed the habit of not looking at myself at all in the mirror. When I apply my makeup, I make sure that I can only see myself from my chest up. How sad is that? When I would look in the mirror at my body I would trick my brain into thinking that I did not really look like that.
 I remember back in high school when at the beginning of the school year we were in ACHS' gym (not sure what grade) and we had to draw what we thought we looked like. I actually drew the image of myself to be thinner than what I actually was (The purpose of the activity was to target girls that thought that they were bigger than they actually were)-this was when I realized that the weight issue was a mind game. I also remember looking at pictures and thinking that the clothes that I was wearing made me look bigger than I was.Total Denial.What has taken me so long to wake up? Here are some of the wake up calls that I chose not to pay attention to:

Movies-We went to see some movie, I remember it was Mona Lisa Smile, and it was packed. There were 2 seats between myself and a stranger. 2 young boys sat down next to me and 1 boy leaned over to the other and said..I have to sit next to the fat girl. I have super sonic hearing by the way. I immediately turned to my mom and told her, I was crushed. So anyone that knows my mom knows that she's gonna do something about it. She switched spots with me, looked the boy square in the face and said "Are you happy now?" I was devastated but it only pushed me to eat more. The denial kicked in because instead of looking inside to change my eating habits, I made anyone that I ever went to the movies with sit next to the strangers so as not to feel that embarrassment again.

Planes-I was headed to see Christine get her Masters Degree from SLU and flew up to see her. When I got on the plane, a man in his 30s or 40s (I was in my 20s) was so aggravated that I was sitting next to him. I'm bigger on the bottom than on the top so naturally my leg was touching his, I was mortified.
The year after Finn was born, we went to Belize with my family. I would make my family sit next to strangers on the plane so as not to have to sit next to someone and make them uncomfortable. On the way home after eating Meatpies, Ideals, Fanta, Coke, Paletas (popsicles) and such I had gained a few pounds. I could not latch my seatbelt. I tried and tried and tried and could not latch it. OMG that was another wake up call, I was mortified.

I was in such terrible denial about how big I had really become. I think that even though I was getting bigger, I was psyching myself out by thinking that I looked a certain way when in reality I looked nothing like the image in my head. Some of my closest friends always say that they admired my outlook on life and the self-esteem that I possessed but really it's just a coping mechanism. So now, I am developing new coping mechanisms such as looking in the mirror at myself everyday (Do you know how hard it is?!?!?). Pictures and mirrors do not lie.

Liquid diet has been hard by the way but my wonderful husband has been with me every step of the way. I thank God that He sent Mike to me everyday.:)

Listening to My Body

Have you ever stopped to think about the definiton of listening and hearing. To hear is the function of perceiving sound. To listen is to give one's attention to a sound. Chris Tucker is famous for his quote, "Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth?" Well what Jackie Chan should have said was "Yes, I hear the words but I'm not listening to them." This liquid diet has made me stop and pay attention to what is being put in my mouth but is also allowing me to listen to my body. Since I can not put unhealthy food in my body by habit or craving, I have no motivation to eat at certain times of the day. I am actually waiting for my body to signal that it needs more food before I eat and drink. I am no longer fixated on putting food in my body at a certain time because I know that my body will send me a signal when it is time.
Sometimes I feel really selfish about the fact that I am putting everyone through this life changing event but being a little selfish has enabled me to have the time to listen to my body and to figure out what is best for me.
The older you get the more you think you know everything about yourself. This journey has led and I'm sure will lead to more self discovery.

"Getting Over the Hump"

Thank you to everyone that has supported me so far in this weight loss journey...family, friends and
co-workers. Many times we (meaning me) do not like to ask those closest to us for help. I did not realize that this blog was the start of asking for help. The blog was only the start, I have stepped out of my comfort zone and have reached out for help. For example: I have reached out to Mom during one of my weak moments on Tuesday and she was there to talk me through the weak moment. I have told my co-workers what junk food that I have been craving and they say "Kathy...you are doing so good. The food really doesn't taste that good anyway." My sister tells me after I step off of the scale with no weight loss..."Kathy...keep it up you are looking great." One of my besties and I went to get a massage together rather than our normal French Restaurant outing. One of the friends that I made at the support group that I went to last month invited me to walk at the Mall. Mike has been doing great on the diet and has been an excellent support system as well as an inspiration by his dedication to taking off the weight.
Everyone (I mean everyone-didn't know I had so many fans :))that has read this blog has supported me in one way, shape or form. The comments on the blog, the comments on facebook, emails and phone calls have meant more to me than any amount of money. Many of you have congratulated me on taking the first steps of this journey. I would not have been able to do it without each and every one of you.
The support system has been effective as I have been sticking to my diet and with each day I am forgetting just a little bit how good that Starbucks breakfast sandwich is or the foot long coney tastes. With other diets I went into the diet not knowing when/if there will be results. I am able to adhere to this diet better because even though I have not had the surgery yet, I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  

"What are We Going To Do Now?"

This goes out to my "little brother (who got the skinny genes)."
He asked me yesterday...Kathy, "What are we going to do now?" I knew exactly what he meant without having to ask him what he meant. It's really sad that my family has revolved almost everything around food-not sure if it's a Belizean tradition (I'm first generation American) and/or a New Orleans tradition. As a family, Mita (my mom), Papa(dad), Tio John (brother), Mary (John's girlfriend), Daddy (Mike), Finn and I all need to think of things that we can do as a family that may include Food but where Food  is not the focus. We use food for everything...rewards, comforts, appreciation, love and the list goes on and on. We need to delve deeper into discovering healthier/active options for the betterment of us all. This surgery is not only affecting my life but also my family members in ways that I had not thought of.

Day 2 of Liquid Diet

Tired, Headachy, light headed (I can't walk around too fast) are just a few adjectives that explain how my day is going so far. Kind of a doom and gloom day in my head. Not as excited at all like yesterday except for the fact that I lost 5 pounds in 1 day, this is the only thing that is keeping me going. Although Mike is bouncing off of the walls with excitement which is good and bad (I'm not a morning person). For those of you that thought that I went to bed early before this, I've reached an all time early bedtime--7:30. Right now it's one of my coping mechanisms so that I do not feel the need to munch at night.
Kind of funny what I do want to eat now...Chicken breast and cheddar cheese. It's a matter of the games that are going on in my head.
For example: "Why couldn't I have eaten the right things (craved Chicken breast and cheese) to begin with then I wouldn't be in this position?" These are the thoughts that have sabotaged my diets before because with me it is all or nothing. I could not go out to Superior Grill and get the Tuna with a side of vegetables. Are you kidding me? Who could pass up the queso and those delicious flour tortillas?
My new take on this thought is---I am doing the right thing now by making a permanent decision to change my eating habits both the quality and the quantity.

When I look at the first sentence of this blog--I realize that I felt some of the same feelings before this liquid diet because of my poor choices. Now, I am doing this with a goal/purpose ahead of me. I may yo-yo up and down in the future but not by twenty-five or fifty pounds.
                

A New Chapter Has Begun

Today starts the first page of the new chapter in my life. This morning was the first time that I experienced excitement about my new lifestyle of living healthy by starting with a totally liquid diet. This liquid diet includes protein shakes and clear liquids such as Crystal Light only. My wonderful husband is actually doing the liquid diet with me and he is excited as well. I have started the liquid diet today feeling assured that I have made the right decision as I am not miserable, irritable or envious of others that are eating normally around me.
This past weekend was a farewell party to all of my favorite foods: Pizza, Ice Cream, Stella!(The most expensive meal that I have ever had-we did the tasting), Superior Grill's fajitas and queso, Bakers' Dozen's hot glazed doughnuts and Steak. Sounds delicious but no longer a staple of my new diet and I'm not really upset about it today(at this moment-anyway :)). It's been nice not having to think about what I am going to eat, my options are really limited and it's not bothering me.
A good friend, a teacher, of mine mentioned something that hit home with me today and has now become my inspiration. Her daughter once told her that her students get the best part of her during the day and that she (her daughter), only gets what's left over. I started thinking about that and how it applies to my life. When I get home from work I'm so exhausted that all that I have to give Finn and Mike is what is left over from what I have given my boss, my customers and my employees. The leftovers would be fine if it meant doing more than sitting on the couch. I can hear Finn's little voice (not to me anymore because he knows that Mommy is tired and doesn't want to go out in the sweltering heat) ask his daddy.."outside Daddy, outside." It's really not fair that I do not have much to give him physically (other than hugs and kisses because those are always abundant)- not because of the stressors at work but because I was putting the wrong fuel/sludge/diesel into my body and not taking care of it by exercising. I have so much more to give my family then by teaching my son all of my bad eating habits. I have life lessons, my love and my spirituality to give him as well as healthy eating habits and a life full of taking care of his body.

New Orleans....We have a Surgery Date!!!

Cardiologist-check, Psychologist-check, Internist-Check, Dietician-Check, Endocrinologist-Check. I have been cleared for surgery and have a date, July 11, 2011. That's the good news---2 weeks. Surprisingly I am indifferent at the moment, not nervous, not excited, it's kind of like I know it's coming but am mourning in a way (although not letting myself enjoy the anticipation.)
Right now it feels exactly like the last few weeks before Finn was born when I was mourning the fact that Mike and I would never just be "Mike and I" ever again. I am doing that with my comfort foods. I'm trying to get all of my favorite foods in before starting my liquid diet on Monday (Please forgive me if I am a little irritable over the next couple of weeks). Little did I know that one chapter of life was over and one of the best chapters was just beginning.  I imagine that the weeks after the gastro procedure will be similar as well to the few weeks after having him--an adjustment period--emotional and unchartered waters, a learning experience. I am so excited that another chapter of my life will begin but am mourning the unhealthy lifestyle that was my life. It will be a period of adjustment, a time to learn a different way to live.

Living to Eat rather than Eating to Live

So now that I'm being open...I'm gonna open it up all the way!!!  This weight loss journey is more that just what goes in my mouth- it has to do with what is going on in my brain. For this reason I have to find out what makes me eat what I eat when I eat. If I do not work on self-reflection, I will end up sabotaging myself even after the surgery.
I used to be an Oprah junkie(until I couldn't take her interrupting her guests*anyway*) She would have shows with guests that had weight loss surgery. One particular show featured guests who had weight loss surgery who had transferred their Food Addiction to Alcohol Addictions. One of the main reasons that they became alcoholics was because they could have multiple buzz(es?) in a short period of time with obviously small amounts of alcohol. I do not want to develop another addiction after semi-fixing the  weight problem because if I do that, I will only address part of the problem which is what I put in my mouth not why I put it in my mouth (the brain part).
The why part has to do with almost every human emotion. I eat because I'm happy, sad, stressed, feelings of guilt, self-punishment, shame, etc... I'm working on figuring out this part. I know the whys but am working on figuring out different ways to deal with them other than by using food. Food can be disguised as love, a reward and comfort. Especially in New Orleans where we live to eat rather than eat to live, we incorporate Food in almost 98% (no scentific evidence to prove this) of our social occasions. Even as I am typing this, I am planning dinner dates with friends.Hmmmm....I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to change the behaviors that I have adapted over the last 31 years. Prayers would be appreciated, God knows I need them.:)

"What exactly are you having?"

Many people have asked, "What kind of surgery are you having?"
I am having the Gastric Sleeve. This is a relatively new procedure that has had positive results with many patients. I am choosing this procedure because it is not as invasive as the Gastric Bypass (the stomach is made into a pouch and the intestines are reworked/reattached) and it doesn't involve a foreign object permamently placed in my body (Gastric Lap Band Procedure) which gets tighten over time.
 The added benefits are that I will eventually be able to eat regular foods again but in obviously smaller quatities. Also, the part of the stomach that excretes the hormone ghrelin, which is responsible for cravings and feeling hungry, is removed in the section of the stomach that is cut off from the sleeve (please see illustration).

Fat does not discriminate

Today was my first Group Sharing Session. Once a month patients who are thinking about having bariatric surgery as well as those who have had surgery get together for an hour to share thoughts, ideas, suggestions on coping with the lifestyle change that they may have taken or are contemplating. When I say that Fat does not discriminate, I'm talking about across the board. At the meeting there were women, men (well 1 man), young people, old people, white people, black people, Hispanic (me), WASPS, straight people, gay people, poor people, well off people- every walk of life was represented at the session. The only thing that tied us all together was our Fat (why do I capitalize the F--why do I give that word a proper deliniation). We all shared the same struggles with weight and all talked about the ups and downs we had all experienced over the years. One lady mentioned that she had lost 100 pounds then gained 200 pounds back (I could not help but Gasp to myself--200 pounds?? OMG). To see her at the meeting no one could have ever imagined. She's in shape and petite (I couldn't even have pictured her to be unhealthy).
Sometimes we can judge others by what they look like. At the meeting, it was like everyone who was there was a friend. Kind of funny how perfect strangers can look into your life and understand what you have been going through more than a best friend, a husband or a mother.
Sometimes I think that I have a big heart and it is a disadvantage but not tonight. Tonight I felt fulfilled and my decision was validated. I felt for everyone at the meeting. I have told a few of my closest friends that I feel a warming sensation come over my body every once in a while and some type of feeling or message has to be passed on (obviously the Holy Spirit) and I am compelled to tell them that I had no idea where that came from. The only phrase that I can use to describe this overwhelming sense of love is "My cup overflows."
For those of you that are worried about me or for me, please keep in mind that I have a better chance of being here for my family with the surgery rather than without.
I could totally identify with the now petite woman. I know that if I do not have the surgery...300 pounds will be right around the corner. No matter the race, sex or SES...everyone could identify with one another on the FAT level and those that had the surgery stated with resounding certainty that no matter the struggle of the life style change they would most definetly have the surgery again. 'Nuff said!

Changing Seasons

I have to lose 17 pounds before surgery (this is to remove the fat from around my organs). That's like telling me to lose 100 pounds before surgery. I have yo-yo'd up and down so many times in my life. I've heard that losing weight and gaining weight over and over can lead to diabetes. I sometimes think that that is what happened to me? Who knows genetics, food choices-everything seemed to not be in my favor. Anyway I have to lose weight before I have to have surgery to lose weight, I mean really doesn't that sound moronic to you?
Those psychological games that I play with myself goes like this:

You can lose the weight(Cheerleader in my head is cheering me on).
This attitude can last up to a full week-See below (I wrote this 2 days ago):
I have lost 5 pounds this week!! I'm excited and am trying to stay on track. Getting started is usually not the problem, it is staying on track that is my problem. I'm enjoying the healthier choices that I am making as far as food is concerned.Sugars are in check and I am feeling great. I'm hoping that the excercise will soon follow suit. I may be able to do this on my own!! I'm losing weight, I can do this (Seeing myself in my head-I may not even need the surgery?!?)
-----then------
Today:
What the heck was I thinking? I need help beyond my control.... I can't believe I let myself down again. I ate chocolate. I'm craving unhealthy food and have eaten some unhealthy food.
This attitude begins to invade my work (not as confident as I should be), my relationships (I may not return your phone calls) and my home life (I can't get up off of the sofa to bathe my son, fix dinner, do laundry, clean my house.)
The reality is that I need help because this cycle can happen once a week or even daily. I can't do this on my own.

The Agonizing Weight

Blood Tests, Chest X-Ray, EKG, Echo, Dietician and Psych Eval. (I'm not crazy by the way) are all done and everything is a go so far. I'm amazed at how fast this process can actually take if you do not go through insurance. Everyone has been asking me "When is your surgery? I need to mark it on my calendar." All I can say is that your guess is as good as mine. I can not nail down the date for the life of me and anyone who knows me at all knows that I have to have a plan and be in control of that plan (anything that is not fully handled by God of course and even then I try to control that too). So far the week of July 4th looks like a definite possibility so says Jennifer, my nurse.

I've cut out 99% of the fast food (my stress therapy) and have seen a significant decrease in my blood sugar. I do not even want to tell you guys what my Hemoglobin A1C (a test that is used to determine an average of what your blood sugar has been running for the last 3 months) was when they did the blood tests. Let's just say it scared me into next year.

I've started experimenting with protein shakes and have come across 1 that I really like--Muscle Milk.
It is a good meal replacement and curbs my hunger. I have a feeling that we will become fast friends.

Most of you know that this has been a struggle my whole life. I'm ready to get this surgery underway, ready for a lifestyle change. Thankfully food is not the only good thing in New Orleans-maybe I will be able to tolerate the hot festivals better. Hmmmmm.....wonder if my sweating will decrease? With my luck, it probably has nothing to do with the extra insulation that I'm carrying around. One can only hope!