Shopping is the New Food

It's amazing how much effort I had to put into everything that I did when I was 20 pounds heavier or 50 pounds lighter (still overweight). Being overweight is exhausting mentally and physically.

Mentally-When I would get a compliment on my clothing..I would hope that none of my skinny friends or family would ask where I got my outfit. Because I have been in denial I would not want to say one of the plus size clothing stores. When I was in high school and having to get my pants at Lane Bryant...I was mortified to pass a shop where I knew someone was working so as not to let them see the name on the bag that I was carrying. My mom would let me put my bags inside her bags so that no one would know where I had been. I would lie to some of my closest friends about where I would get some of my clothes because I was embarrassed to tell them the truth. Eventually as I got older and made more money, I was able to shop at Macys, Dillards and Talbots all of which have all sizes so I could feel confident saying either one of those stores.

Physically-I never went shopping with my friends because they were all skinny. I have always shopped alone due to the stores they shopped at not having my size and vice versa. I was embarrassed to go into stores with them and not be able to shop for myself.  In retrospect, the isolation only fueled the eating and the denial.

I'm now starting a new outlook on shopping: "Shopping is the New Food"
I have started letting Mike shop with me. I go into the store, pick out what I like and model for him.
Just this weekend, I was so excited when I went shopping that I pulled the 2 sizes down from what I was wearing before surgery. The lowest size actually was a little big on me....this actually felt as good on my body and in my mind as the queso from Superior Grill tastes. I was ecstatic!! Being able to fit in the smaller jeans made all of the sacrifice worth it.

If you are wondering how I'm gonna afford all this new clothes....
When I was heavier, I would buy clothes and they would stay in my closet with the tags on. I had hundreds of  dollars of clothes in my closet that no one has ever seen--it was a waste. I was using the clothes to cover up my body and to keep myself in denial. No matter how expensive the clothes or how much clothes I had bought..nothing made me feel as good as I feel now. Now, I am slowly building a new wardrobe that fits my changing body.

Am I being selfish?

It has been 2 weeks since my surgery and I am feeling great. The small incisions are healing quickly so I will definetly be ready for bikini season next year (yeahh right!!)  I have gone down 2 dress sizes since I started this journey almost 2 months ago. The scale can be very discouraging....it shows that I lost 20 pounds so far but not an ounce more...ugh!!! I know I can't just focus on the scale but I can hear most of my trainers in my head.."the number on the scale has to go down." I think my body "retracts before impact" just like that song says so I'm not so patiently waiting for the impact to show on the scale.

I also have to start exercising...I'm dreading it. It's so hot outside and how am I gonna deal with the loss of sweat and not being able to guzzle water after I'm done? The guzzling part has been the worst to stop. I literally have to take smaller sips or take a sip and divide it up to swallow. I no longer drink from straws (feels so unlady-like; not to mention the burping like a man) to avoid trapping air in my stomach nor do I drink carbonated beverages to avoid the extra gas. The only thing that I have asked Mike not to bring in the house is carbonated beverages particularly fountain drinks. There's really nothing much better than a Coca-Cola from McDonald's or from a convenience store (better than alcohol).
As a working mom I have always combatted the guilt of feeling like I'm not spending enough time with Finn, not being at his beckon call, not able to bring him to every MD appointment, not able to stay home with him during the summer so that he can relax in his own home with his mom like I did and the list goes on and on. Now, as a working mom that is on a diet that needs to exercise after work I feel even guiltier....Am I being too selfish by getting a membership to Elmwood so that I can spin with one of my friends on Saturdays, Zumba during the week and other exercises? Part of me thinks that he won't notice too much if I'm gone for the hour but that hour with him is so precious and he is getting bigger by the second. I'm still dealing with this issue everyday and I will join Elmwood soon....maybe KidSport has a mommy's time off where he can play while I work out??? I have to check into that.

Commonality between Chaz Bono and Myself

I never pictured myself saying out loud (or writing in a blog) that I can I identify with Chaz Bono (Formerly Chastity Bono). For those of you that do not know Chaz Bono, he is a transgenedered person that is seeking and has sought Gender Reassignment Surgery. He has a show on Oprah's Network documenting the steps that he is taking in becoming a man. Poor Mike--I always have him watching shows that he would not have chosen on his own albeit, the longer we are together the more open-minded he has become. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am pretty open-minded (thanks to my mom and dad) and open to learning new things. Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll have always been interesting to me because I live my life conservatively but love to learn about the other aspects of life without actually having to experience them.I do not think that I know any transgendered people so I'm pretty intrigued. As I was watching his show, somehow I could identify with him on a few levels. Man--how rough it must have been to grow up with a beautiful mom, Cher. A mom that was never overweight, not bad on the eyes and was her own person. I have no idea what it is to be the daughter of a famous sex siren but I do know what it is to be a daughter of a beautiful woman that men always admire, who is intelligent, who goes for what she wants and who is not afraid to be herself. Somehow when we were together people always looked at her--she's so exotic and pretty. In my earlier years I would hear from other people..."You have such a pretty face (in my head: the rest of you sucks)." The absolute worst was when I was 23 (?) my mom went to a Dr. John concert at the House of Blues with my friends and I. We lost someone to the bathroom so my mom and I went to go get them. Everyone knows that I'm a sweater. To know me is to know that Kathy sweats! At the end of the concert...the lights came on (I always hate that part) I was drenched from the dancing and bodies that were standing less than an inch away on each side. There were 2 men about 70 years old standing by the bar. Anyone knows that you have to pass the bar to get to the bathroom so as we were passing them I heard, "The mother looks better than the daughter." OMG---horrible!!! What I should have said was I'm sorry, what does it matter to you-you can't even get it up (apologies to friends and family I may have offended-felt it was warranted). Mom said that she didn't hear it but I sure did.
I can not imagine being Chastity while going through her chubby stage or her awkward teenage years and having to be compared to Cher, what a tremendous stress. After having weight loss surgery I am starting to become the person on the outside that I have always thought that I could be-learning to love myself by not putting crap into my body. I'm feeling more comfortable with whom I am and who I am becoming. I totally understand Chaz' need to make his outside match his inside.
Thankfully-My mom is the reason for the self-confidence that I do have. She has always instilled in me that I can do what ever I put my mind to. She would say, "Kathy...no one is better than you!" Sometimes I find myself watching whatever TV show is on at the moment thinking...I can do that.."I can win Top Chef (anyone that knows me must be laughing out loud), I could be on Survivor, I could whip some serious butt on the Biggest Loser." She has made me the success that I am today. Thank you Mom for believing in me---no matter my weight.

A New Life Has Begun

Thank you to everyone that called, texted, emailed, facebook'd(?), and visited. I truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
I had my Surgery at 7:30am this past Monday morning. I pretty much slept all day on Monday despite the horrible nausea that I experienced for the first 24 hours. Side note: Whomever the drug company is for Zofran ODT (Orally Disintegrating Tablets) you seriously need to go to the local hospitals and push your drug!!! Zofran is an anti-nausea medication that is really effective. Nurses and some doctors looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked for Zofran in between the Phenergan drips. SO you know that nice pain pump button was not as great as they say it is because I was actually scared to push it (The pain medication is what caused the nausea). Not only was I in pain but I was nauseated as well. My new stomach did not appreciate all of the torment that I had put it through.  The doctor did not want to prescribe me the Zofran for some reason so my only other option was something not by mouth. This was really not even an option because who wants to do that. Everything went great as far as my surgery is concerned with no complications--thank you Healthcare peeps to those of you that paid attention to my medical history and took my blood sugar and blood pressure (I got a little nervous when one nurse didn't even know that I was diabetic).

My new life has begun. I've encountered some roadblocks that I did not think of before the surgery:
Pros: I'm never "hungry"-I actually have to remember to eat, I'm losing weight and am not trying (woo-hoo!!--going to buy a scale today), blood sugar range (102-130-calling endocrinologist on Monday), No "out of the blue cravings"
Cons: Wondering if friends and family will exclude me from outtings because they think I cannot go anymore, having to remember to eat (I have to make sure I eat/drink enough protein a day), watching TV with people on the TV eating pizza, nachos and yummy comfort foods.
I'm sure that the list will go on and on for pros and cons but I am wondering if the road blocks will stay under the same headings?
Anyway..just as anyone else has told me...despite all of the little hiccups along the way, I would encourage anyone who is looking for a life changing weight change to take the plunge.

Woman in The Mirror

I honestly can not remember the last time I looked in the mirror and said..."I look awesome!" In fact I have developed the habit of not looking at myself at all in the mirror. When I apply my makeup, I make sure that I can only see myself from my chest up. How sad is that? When I would look in the mirror at my body I would trick my brain into thinking that I did not really look like that.
 I remember back in high school when at the beginning of the school year we were in ACHS' gym (not sure what grade) and we had to draw what we thought we looked like. I actually drew the image of myself to be thinner than what I actually was (The purpose of the activity was to target girls that thought that they were bigger than they actually were)-this was when I realized that the weight issue was a mind game. I also remember looking at pictures and thinking that the clothes that I was wearing made me look bigger than I was.Total Denial.What has taken me so long to wake up? Here are some of the wake up calls that I chose not to pay attention to:

Movies-We went to see some movie, I remember it was Mona Lisa Smile, and it was packed. There were 2 seats between myself and a stranger. 2 young boys sat down next to me and 1 boy leaned over to the other and said..I have to sit next to the fat girl. I have super sonic hearing by the way. I immediately turned to my mom and told her, I was crushed. So anyone that knows my mom knows that she's gonna do something about it. She switched spots with me, looked the boy square in the face and said "Are you happy now?" I was devastated but it only pushed me to eat more. The denial kicked in because instead of looking inside to change my eating habits, I made anyone that I ever went to the movies with sit next to the strangers so as not to feel that embarrassment again.

Planes-I was headed to see Christine get her Masters Degree from SLU and flew up to see her. When I got on the plane, a man in his 30s or 40s (I was in my 20s) was so aggravated that I was sitting next to him. I'm bigger on the bottom than on the top so naturally my leg was touching his, I was mortified.
The year after Finn was born, we went to Belize with my family. I would make my family sit next to strangers on the plane so as not to have to sit next to someone and make them uncomfortable. On the way home after eating Meatpies, Ideals, Fanta, Coke, Paletas (popsicles) and such I had gained a few pounds. I could not latch my seatbelt. I tried and tried and tried and could not latch it. OMG that was another wake up call, I was mortified.

I was in such terrible denial about how big I had really become. I think that even though I was getting bigger, I was psyching myself out by thinking that I looked a certain way when in reality I looked nothing like the image in my head. Some of my closest friends always say that they admired my outlook on life and the self-esteem that I possessed but really it's just a coping mechanism. So now, I am developing new coping mechanisms such as looking in the mirror at myself everyday (Do you know how hard it is?!?!?). Pictures and mirrors do not lie.

Liquid diet has been hard by the way but my wonderful husband has been with me every step of the way. I thank God that He sent Mike to me everyday.:)

Listening to My Body

Have you ever stopped to think about the definiton of listening and hearing. To hear is the function of perceiving sound. To listen is to give one's attention to a sound. Chris Tucker is famous for his quote, "Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth?" Well what Jackie Chan should have said was "Yes, I hear the words but I'm not listening to them." This liquid diet has made me stop and pay attention to what is being put in my mouth but is also allowing me to listen to my body. Since I can not put unhealthy food in my body by habit or craving, I have no motivation to eat at certain times of the day. I am actually waiting for my body to signal that it needs more food before I eat and drink. I am no longer fixated on putting food in my body at a certain time because I know that my body will send me a signal when it is time.
Sometimes I feel really selfish about the fact that I am putting everyone through this life changing event but being a little selfish has enabled me to have the time to listen to my body and to figure out what is best for me.
The older you get the more you think you know everything about yourself. This journey has led and I'm sure will lead to more self discovery.