I honestly can not remember the last time I looked in the mirror and said..."I look awesome!" In fact I have developed the habit of not looking at myself at all in the mirror. When I apply my makeup, I make sure that I can only see myself from my chest up. How sad is that? When I would look in the mirror at my body I would trick my brain into thinking that I did not really look like that.
I remember back in high school when at the beginning of the school year we were in ACHS' gym (not sure what grade) and we had to draw what we thought we looked like. I actually drew the image of myself to be thinner than what I actually was (The purpose of the activity was to target girls that thought that they were bigger than they actually were)-this was when I realized that the weight issue was a mind game. I also remember looking at pictures and thinking that the clothes that I was wearing made me look bigger than I was.Total Denial.What has taken me so long to wake up? Here are some of the wake up calls that I chose not to pay attention to:
Movies-We went to see some movie, I remember it was Mona Lisa Smile, and it was packed. There were 2 seats between myself and a stranger. 2 young boys sat down next to me and 1 boy leaned over to the other and said..I have to sit next to the fat girl. I have super sonic hearing by the way. I immediately turned to my mom and told her, I was crushed. So anyone that knows my mom knows that she's gonna do something about it. She switched spots with me, looked the boy square in the face and said "Are you happy now?" I was devastated but it only pushed me to eat more. The denial kicked in because instead of looking inside to change my eating habits, I made anyone that I ever went to the movies with sit next to the strangers so as not to feel that embarrassment again.
Planes-I was headed to see Christine get her Masters Degree from SLU and flew up to see her. When I got on the plane, a man in his 30s or 40s (I was in my 20s) was so aggravated that I was sitting next to him. I'm bigger on the bottom than on the top so naturally my leg was touching his, I was mortified.
The year after Finn was born, we went to Belize with my family. I would make my family sit next to strangers on the plane so as not to have to sit next to someone and make them uncomfortable. On the way home after eating Meatpies, Ideals, Fanta, Coke, Paletas (popsicles) and such I had gained a few pounds. I could not latch my seatbelt. I tried and tried and tried and could not latch it. OMG that was another wake up call, I was mortified.
I was in such terrible denial about how big I had really become. I think that even though I was getting bigger, I was psyching myself out by thinking that I looked a certain way when in reality I looked nothing like the image in my head. Some of my closest friends always say that they admired my outlook on life and the self-esteem that I possessed but really it's just a coping mechanism. So now, I am developing new coping mechanisms such as looking in the mirror at myself everyday (Do you know how hard it is?!?!?). Pictures and mirrors do not lie.
Liquid diet has been hard by the way but my wonderful husband has been with me every step of the way. I thank God that He sent Mike to me everyday.:)
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